Why Parents Judge

Children tend to bring a healthy dose of humility to their parents, myself included. I remember before my daughter Boo was born, I would see children losing their shit, and immediately I would question the parents…. Why aren’t they doing something about this? Why is that child out of control? That will never happen to me, etc, etc. I had the audacity to believe that when my turn came around, my “perfect” parenting approach would eliminate all those unpleasant little behaviors. But no child goes through toddlerhood without their fair share of tantrums, and therefore no parent does either. [Open mouth, insert foot].

So I’ve had plenty of trying moments with Boo and her inconvenient meltdowns. Sometimes at a party. Sometimes at the grocery store. Sometimes on an airplane. Yes, I’ve been that parent. And every time it happens, I feel the eyes of judging onlookers (because let’s be honest, that used to be me).

And because that used to be me, I don’t really blame those kid-free onlookers for their parenthood naivete. You just can’t appreciate the force of a child’s inner diva until that child is your responsibility.

What is much harder to make sense of, though, is when those onlookers are fellow parents. It seems like they should know better after being smacked in the face with their own parenting struggles. They should understand the battle.

So why do we still feel the sting of judgment from our parental peers? Here are three possible explanations for why fellow parents just don’t get it.

1. Their children may still be in the easy stage.

So obviously, “easy” is a relative term. We all know that the nonstop physical demands and sleep deprivation of the newborn stage are not exactly easy. But their sweetness in between those moments (for anyone who was lucky enough to avoid colic), helps to reconnect you to your child, and there are plenty of opportunities for friends and visitors to see the beauty of this new child of yours.

But when you enter the 2s and 3s, suddenly you can’t rely on that sweetness. They are busy battling storms of emotion without the tools yet to do it, and they certainly don’t have the restraint to put those emotions to the side and deal with them at a better time. So while a month ago you could sit back and watch your child happily share their toys with their friends at the park, you now have to run in and play referee over the latest hot commodity in the sandbox.

It’s par for the course and feels ok as long as their peers are at the same developmental level. But if your child is older than the rest, then you may get some side-eyes from the other parents when your child knocks over their child to get to the shiny red shovel. Rest assured, they will come face to face with their child’s emotional challenges soon, they just don’t realize it yet.

I assume something similar happens when your children start approaching the teen years (although of course, I can’t say this with any experience yet!). I imagine that it can paint your outspoken, rule-challenging, emotionally-charged child in the worst light as they are compared to a friend who has not yet encountered the turbulence of adolescence. Again, their time will come, and it is a necessary phase to go through for your child to grasp the weight of adulthood.

2. Their child may be more prone to a different emotion

We all experience a range of emotions (whether we choose to acknowledge them or not). But most of us lean toward a few more readily than others. For me, when something causes distress, I tend to find myself within the realms of sadness or anxiety most often. Even in the rare circumstances that something leads me to anger, I will slowly but surely creep back to my place of sadness.

My husband, on the other hand, is much more familiar with anger and frustration. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard him use the word “sad,” and his worry frequently presents itself as anger. So even when we’re both in the exact same situation, such as in the midst of an argument between each other, he will usually feel mad while I will usually feel sad. It’s just how we were built.

And our children are similar. Boo is like me… prone to anxiety and quick to sadness. Even when something would typically make someone feel mad, she still expresses her sadness. With Squish, on the other hand, even though he’s just over 1 year old, I can already see his flashes of anger. I foresee us having to do a lot of work in learning how to channel that anger so it doesn’t come out as aggressive jabs at his sister or friends. (Or rather, so that it doesn’t keep coming out as aggressive jabs. I’m guessing we will have plenty of moments deserving of apologies before he gets the hang of it!)

No emotion is better or worse than the others. And while certainly some behaviors are not appropriate ways of expressing those emotions, your child needs some wiggle room of time to figure it out.

If your child is closer to what I imagine Squish to be like in a year or two, take a deep breath and take off a layer of pressure. Every moment that doesn’t go well is a moment to learn for the next time. Your job is to guide your child, but you’re never going to be able to be at the control seat.

And if your child happens to be more familiar with something other than anger, then know you will have your own fair share of work in guiding your child through that feeling. And trust me, children who internalize their feelings can be even more challenging than those who externalize them, just in a very different way.

3. They are just being human

In order to navigate our lives, we all have to come up with explanations for various events around us, and many times we are forced to do this without sufficient information. Questions such as *Why is my child acting so whiney? *Why is that car swerving in front of me? and *“Why didn’t my husband answer my phone call?* are just some of the things we seek to answer.

And since we don’t often know the answers, we are forced to come up with possible explanations in our heads. Something like this: *Maybe my child is whining because he’s getting sick. *Maybe the driver ahead of me is not paying attention. I better be careful. And *maybe my husband is just busy with work.*

The thing is, when it comes to our kids, we tend to consider what might be happening around them more so than an onlooker. So if our child is acting out one day while at the grocery store, we can easily come up with a list of situational factors that might be contributing to this parenting nightmare. *Maybe he’s sick. *Maybe he’s tired. *Maybe he’s having a hard time adjusting to his new preschool. *Maybe something happened that I didn’t see. And *maybe he’s just being 3.*

But when other people pass by our child, limbs flailing, and screams piercing the air, they are more inclined to perceive that behavior either as a reflection of the child himself or of us as his parents. Without having any other knowledge about our child, this one snapshot of him informs their assumptions and sometimes fuels their judgment. *Oh wow, that boy is really aggressive. *I’m so glad my child isn’t like that. *Why isn’t that mom doing anything?*

Social psychologists call this the fundamental attribution error, which basically refers to the tendency people have to perceive other people’s behaviors as a representation of their character while attributing their own behavior to circumstances.

Knowing this bias exists, we can try and reduce its impact on our judgments of others. But we’re not going to be able to stop it from happening for others, no matter how much we wish we could!

So, the best thing you can do, next time you feel those judging eyes, is remind yourself of all the reasons why that other parent just doesn’t get it. And then wait for their turn to come!