Emotional Regulation for Parents
Emotional regulation is the skill of managing our feelings so that they don’t spin out of control. As adults, we are constantly striving to keep our feelings in check — our anger, our anxiety, our sadness, our guilt, and even our excitement. Because when these emotions get out of control, we tend to make pretty poor decisions and may even do things that cause problems (in our relationships, at work, when someone cuts in front of us at the check out line, etc).
But, emotional regulation is a skill, and not everyone is good at. Because, like all skills, regulating our feelings needs to be learned, and the absolute most effective time to learn is when we are kids. So guess who we were most likely to learn it from (if we learned it at all)? You got it… our parents.
Parents are key in teaching emotional regulation partly because of the time they spend with their kids and partly because of the bond they have with them. Fast forward until now, our kids are learning about how to control their own emotions from us as we speak. They learn from our direct support in coaching them through their feelings as well as by watching the way we deal with our own. So when we are unraveling and responding with our worst selves, those little eyes are watching. AGH! So what’s a tired, overwhelmed, stressed parent to do?!
Unfortunately, there are no magic solutions. But, there are a few things that can help you take control over your emotions before they control you. So take some mental notes, or better yet bookmark this post, and hopefully these tips help you survive your next meltdown (and your kid’s next meltdown too!).
7 Tips for Emotional Regulation
1. Remember that your child isn’t going to get it together until you get it together
Sometimes this fact is really annoying, but acknowledging it can also help you prioritize things that are important to your own emotional regulation. Things that otherwise may have been forced onto the backburner. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Instead, it’s vital to your child’s emotional health.
2. Do whatever you can to survive the eye of the storm
This might seem like an obvious piece of advice, but it’s important to know what helps you calm down before you even get to the point of needing to use it. For me, I know that giving myself space and a little quiet is important in calming my stressed nerves.
Keep in mind that your ideal circumstances for creating peace may not be possible in the situation you’re in, such as when you have a screaming toddler following you on your footsteps as you move from one room to another trying to find your sanity.
So you’re going to have to improvise in trying to create that calming dynamic as best you can. Maybe it’s closing your eyes and tuning everything out for a few minutes. Maybe it’s giving into more screen time than you’re typically willing to do. Maybe it’s turning up the volume of your favorite rock song and dancing out your frustration.
Get creative. I know this step is not going to solve all your problems because, when you open your eyes, your children are still going to be there needing you. But it might help take off the edge just a smidge. And sometimes that smidge can make all the difference in the world.
3. Think helpful thoughts.
Notice I didn’t say “think positive thoughts.” I’m not suggesting you rewrite reality in your mind. That’s not only counterproductive in dealing with life, but it’s also just plain ol’ impossible to do that convincingly.
However, our thoughts are powerful forces that can help us or harm us. When we are in the thick of a disaster, our thoughts are a significant determinant of how we are going to respond. If your child begins to lose it, and your first thought is “Oh my God, are you kidding me? I can’t handle this!” then you probably are going to have a hard time coping well at that moment.
If instead, you say to yourself “Ok, I’ve got this. I’m sure my child doesn’t want to feel this way either. I just need to help her and then we can both move on,” then chances are things are going to go more smoothly. It’s probably not going to be fun still, but it will be easier if you talk yourself into an empowered place and remind yourself that you can handle it.
Now, I know this is hard to do. And sometimes it’s too hard, especially after practicing your helpful thoughts for the 100th time that day. But if you make an effort to notice the ways your thoughts are getting in your way, and start trying to change that, you will see a difference. And more importantly, you will feel a difference.
4. Narrate your emotional state to your child and what you plan to do about it.
I said earlier that children learn emotional regulation partly by watching us try to manage our own feelings. Verbalizing your feelings and how you’re trying to cope with them can make this process crystal clear to your little ones. And it has the added bonus of letting go of just a little more steam.
There are times when I find myself saying things like “Mama is very frustrated right now and I’m going to close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm myself down,” and “I need some space,” and “I’m not going to talk to anyone right now until I calm down.”
Is this the highlight of my parenting career? Absolutely not. However, this also wasn’t the worst. Narrating my experience required me to muster my energy and channel it into words that were appropriate for my daughter’s 3-year-old ears, but I did find that once I did that, the intensity of my emotion reduced just a notch.
5. Talk to someone who calms you.
Emotions are like lava rising in a volcano and they need to be released before they explode. Sometimes those feelings need to be released before they explode EVEN MORE, and sometimes they need to be expressed so we can start the repair process after the explosion happened.
The best way to release feelings is to talk about them. But not just to anyone. We need to talk with someone who will validate our feelings. Have you ever had times when you tried to talk to someone about something that was bothering you, and their response just left you feeling worse?
If that’s happened once or twice it’s something we might look beyond, but if that happens chronically, then that is not the right person for this very important job of helping us calm down. If you have a person in your life that calms you already — then go! Get that person on the phone!
And if you don’t have someone like that, make it a priority to find someone. You can start by talking about smaller things that are bothering you and see how that person responds. If the response is helpful, go a little deeper. If the response is not helpful, move on.
6. Take time away.
The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Sometimes stepping away from your kids can give you just enough room to ground yourself, gain perspective, and remember all the lovable things about your kids that keep you working as hard as you do.
I know all too well that this step might be the hardest to achieve, especially if you have no family or friends that can help or the finances to afford child care. So acknowledge your limitations and try and take advantage of any opportunities that arise, because it will be immensely helpful in restoring your broken self.
7. Give yourself a break.
This is another hard one, especially in the parenting realm. It is so hard for us to accept our parenting imperfections. But we all have them. So that means you’re going to have moments you’re not proud of. Allow these moments to humble you, but not define you.
I hope these suggestions guide you towards a path that helps you through your struggles, whatever they may be. Take heart weary Mama, you are not alone. Though your circumstances may be unique, the emotions you feel are real and shared among us. Take a deep breath, and keep going. You got this.
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.
