My daughter starts school on Monday.
And I am overjoyed! I have been with her all day long almost every day for over three years now. I have played with her. I have sung to her. I have taught her the ABCs and how to label her feelings. We have went on nature walks and gone to the children’s museum. We have cuddled, and laughed, and cried together.
She has been at the center of my world, and for very good reasons. As my husband and I have always said, these years are our investment. We have sacrificed much of ourselves and our desires in order to give our little Boo the strongest foundation that we can. But, now… it’s finally time to take a little time back for me.
I think what I’m most looking forward to is a little more quiet. Boo’s non-stop chatter makes it hard for me to even hear my own thoughts! She is in this amazing stage of constant pretend play. But that kind of play can be very demanding on a parent. “This little doggy is feeling hungry, Mama…. Mama, what should this little doggy eat today?… Oh! Bunny’s coming to visit, Mama… Mama where should this little doggy and Bunny go next?…” and on, and on. It’s amazing and so, so cute, but also exhausting when this continues ALL. DAY. LONG. So, quiet is a precious resource that I am very much looking forward to gaining.
I’m also just really excited to have a few hours “off duty.” And by duty, I mean: running around the house searching for the latest hiding spot for her water bottle; dropping everything at a second’s notice to run to the potty with her; gathering all my limited resources to tend to a screaming child because her brother is looking at her, and so on.
So yes, my daughter starts school on Monday. And I am overjoyed.
But…
I’m also heartbroken.
Because this is the end of an era. This is the end of the time in Boo’s life when I will have the most influence on her that I will ever have. It’s the end of being the first person to witness every new milestone or cognitive gain she makes. And it’s the end of the time when I will know her and all her habits as well as I do now.
For every hour that she spends away from me, it’s an hour that I don’t get to see her or observe her or learn about her. It’s me losing just a little bit of her. And that realization is so intensely painful.
As much as I’m looking forward to this new chapter, I will equally grieve the loss of all those opportunities I no longer have with her.
I guess this is what it feels like to watch our children grow up. There is joy coupled with heartache. There is anticipation followed by grief. I will carry all of those feelings. And at the end of the day, I’m going to remind myself of how lucky I am to have a past that I will miss alongside a future I look forward to.
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.
