How to Change Your Negative Thoughts
You might be surprised to learn that one of the most powerful influences over our mood is our thoughts. The good news is this means we have the power to change it. The bad news is that it can be incredibly hard to do so. But as with most things that are worthwhile, a little bit of effort goes a long way to create lasting improvements in your life. So, lets talk more about how to change your negative thoughts so you can feel better.
First, A Personal Story
Sometimes I complain about my kids. (Full disclosure, sometimes I complain a lot). My children can exhaust me, rile me up and leave my head spinning. They are good at it. Irritatingly good.
But sometimes, out of nowhere, I have this incredible awe sweep over me and I just stop and stare at them. These little humans didn’t exist too long ago. My husband and I were just two people living our lives. And then before we knew it we multiplied into four. These beautiful, lovable, amazing little beings are now forever imprinted on our hearts. And they give us SO many reasons to smile.
But…
I don’t have babies that sleep. For whatever reason, my babies just seem to come programmed to resist all efforts to get them to sleep for any sensible duration of time. So although we’ve made some progress from the waking every hour nonsense, my little Squish is still averaging only 2.5 hours in between wakings. Cue zombie mama.
It’s only after chronically foregoing proper sleep that you start to truly understand the power of sleep deprivation— your memory gets fuzzy, you have a hard time concentrating, your ability to solve simple problems becomes greatly impaired, and your patience goes out the window. But when this is your reality during those early years with little ones, these alterations to your personality form the foundation upon which you will raise your children. And so you have a choice…
Do you dwell on what’s going wrong, or do you make every effort to enjoy what’s oh so right?
The Balance of Positive and Negative Thoughts
Let me first say that this isn’t a forced choice. The reality is that we, as humans, will choose both. Sometimes we will give in to the pull of the negatives. And that’s ok. It’s really ok to acknowledge what is difficult in our lives and all the sadness, frustration, anger, and grief we feel as a result. In fact, it’s good to do that sometimes, because it allows us to get all those feelings out instead of keeping them inside where they can blow up at any moment (read more about that in Why Should You Vent?).
The problem comes when we get stuck in the negative. Because when we become consumed in all those negative feelings, it robs us of opportunities to also feel joy, satisfaction, and love.
When that happens in the midst of parenthood, it deprives both ourselves and our children of positive experiences. And not only does it rob us in the present moment, but it also robs us of the memories we will have of this moment for the rest of our lives.
How Our Thoughts Shape Our Reality
Our hidden power as parents (and as humans) comes in the form of thoughts. What we say to ourselves in our heads has this uncanny way of being transformed into reality. When we say things like “I can’t do this anymore” or “I’m going to go crazy,” those words inform our body how to act. And so we break down, we lose our temper, or we stop trying. But when we look at the same difficult situation with words of motivation and empathy, such as “It’s ok, I’ve got this,” our body responds by staying calmer and in control and we, therefore, create a better version of the experience we are in.
It’s so simple. And yet, I know how difficult it is to do. But it all comes down to a choice. How am I going to react in this moment? What do I want to say to myself right now?
Let me admit that sometimes the sleep deprivation catches up to me and I wake with frustration. And I have a VERY hard time reigning in my negativity on those days. But when I can maintain control of my thoughts (and therefore myself), it pays off.
So what can you do if you want to work on changing your pattern of negative thinking?
How to Change Your Negative Thoughts in 3 Steps
1. Start by noticing what kinds of negative thoughts you tend to have and what triggers those thoughts.
Recognizing our negative patterns is an important step in doing anything about them. So before doing anything else, just try to catch yourself thinking. It’s normally such an unconscious activity that we often don’t even realize what’s happening in there. So pay attention. If you need to write post it notes around your house or set a reminder on your phone that periodically asks “What are you thinking now?” do it!
You will want to pay particular attention to the thoughts you have in response to stressful situations. So if your child has a tantrum in the middle of Target, notice what’s running through your mind. And if you your baby wakes up for the 100th time in the middle of the night, notice what you’re thinking then too. These are the times when we are most likely to have negative thoughts, and these are also the times when our thoughts have the most power to influence our behavior.
2. Focus on the recurring negative thoughts and identify alternative, more helpful thoughts to replace them.
Once you start to see patterns in the way you think, you can spend some time outside the heat of the moment to consider what might be a more helpful thing to tell yourself. It’s important that your new, alternative thoughts are still realistic. If you try to convince yourself that nothing is wrong and you feel amazing when your child throws his plate of food across the room, well… you probably aren’t going to succeed. But you will most likely feel a little better if you think to yourself, “Ok, just breathe. Stay calm. I can handle this.”
It might help to think about giving yourself a pep talk, or coaching yourself through a difficult situation. You want to provide yourself encouragement and boost your confidence that you can get through it.
3. Use those more helpful thoughts!
Once you’ve generated some ideas of more helpful thoughts, the next step is to use them. And continue to use them, over and over again. Here again, it might be helpful to write them down on a note card and stick it in your bag, or write an email to yourself that you can pull up easily. Or whatever would help you stay calm and choose more adaptive thoughts to help you through a tough situation.
Working on your thoughts is hard work. And it takes practice and commitment. But thoughts are powerful and truly give us control in shaping our experience. But don’t take my word for it. Try it out for yourself!
QUICK LINKS
How to Get Unstuck Using the Power of Thoughts
I Yelled At My Child… Now What?
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.