Before I became a parent, I had certain visions of what parenthood would look like. Mostly these visions were fueled from my own childhood and the way my parents parented. But they were also influenced from watching my sisters, my cousins, my friends and people in my community become parents as well. From my distant vantage point, it seemed that people were mostly following the same parenting path in a sort of prescribed step by step fashion. Your kids will do X, Y, and Z, and you should respond with 1, 2, and 3 interventions (and it will work). The part of me that craves order and predictability appreciated this framework to have as I prepared for my own child to enter the world.   

So you can imagine my discomfort when Boo started to develop in ways that didn’t fit that framework. Even as young as 4 months old, it was clear she was different. I remember traveling home to proudly introduce her to my entire family, and watching astounded as she would cry anytime someone other than her parents attempted to hold her. Now I’m not going to lie, there was a twinge of satisfaction at watching her demonstrate her strong attachment to her mama, but that satisfaction was quickly overshadowed with worry. Oh the worry! What if she never allowed anyone else into her world? What if we could never get away for kid-free time again? What if people don’t like her?  What if people think it’s all our fault?

Ugh. That worry is sickening. And its heavy. And it adds further stress to the giant pool of stress that is parenthood. But worry isn’t unique to my experience. I’d say the majority of parents go through that first year with a fair degree of worry, just at the insanity of one minute feeling like you’re still a child, and the next minute you’re completely responsible for raising one. So, no, worry wasn’t the emotion that separated me from other parents. Instead, it was loneliness. 

It is a strange feeling to be amidst a group and still feel alone. And yet, that is how I often felt during my first year of parenthood (and beyond, really). When I listened to my friends and family talk about their experiences, I sometimes found myself feeling so disconnected. 

Don’t get me wrong, they had their own versions of stress and worry that accompanied them on their parenthood journeys; but, I sometimes found myself envious that their stresses and their worries followed that semi-predictable framework I mentioned earlier. The problems they were facing were problems that millions of parents before had faced, and as a result there were a plethora of books, blogs, and neighborly advice readily available (solicited or not!). They could show up at a moms group, share a problem, and have several other moms relate. They could vent about a new, unwelcomed behavior from their little one, and have family assure them “it’s just a phase.”  

I didn’t ever find that knowing reassurance in another’s eyes. And so I often felt like I was offroading and never really sure when I was going to crash and burn. Most people in my life, having never parented a child like Boo, just didn’t understand (and who can blame them?!) No one really can understand unless they’ve lived a similar experience. But, you don’t realize how important it is to hear the words “I get it”  or “I’m with you” until you don’t hear them. 

So what do you do when you find yourself raising a child who doesn’t fit the traditional mold?

1. Try to pinpoint what makes your child different. It’s hard to find people with shared experience when you don’t know what separates your child from others. For some parents this might be the easy step. Perhaps your child was born with a physical health condition or a you’ve identified a developmental delay early on. If you’re in this group, you can move on to step 2.

If you don’t yet know why you’re child is different, see if you can isolate how the difference manifests in your everyday life. Does your child have difficulty with independence? With aggression? What about peer interaction? Or communication?

Even if you suspect there is something bigger going on, identifying a particular area of life that separates your child from others will make it easier to find common ground with other parents out there while you continue to seek more answers.

For Boo, it was apparent from the beginning that her social anxiety and separation anxiety differentiated her from her peers. These were the qualities I focused on for step 2.

2. Find a community. The power of shared experience is immeasurable, but it can take a bit of effort to find. So keep looking for others who can relate to your experience. Check your local moms groups for events on topics relevant to your child. Explore programs through your hospital or doctors office for any physical or mental health conditions that affect your family. Participate in parent and child programs, but be on the lookout for other parents who are standing on the periphery or show some other sign that they do not quite relate to the other parents. 

If you can’t find a community in real life, go online. Facebook hosts millions of groups that appeal to parents across the spectrum, and you are bound to find a group that you relate to in some way. In the unlikely event you can’t find one, go ahead and create one. Who knows how many people are out there searching for another you. 

3. Advocate for your family. When your experience doesn’t look like other people’s, you’re bound to get a lot of unhelpful opinions and advice (I suppose all parents get this to some extent). People may even have you questioning if everything you think you know is suddenly wrong. But, most of the time, our parenting instincts are spot on. So if we think something isn’t right for our child, there’s usually a good reason. 

Convincing other people that you know your child best is harder than it should be. So you may need to strengthen your advocacy skills in pushing off pushy people. Consider crafting a few responses to the most common advice/questions/judgments. It might be something vague, such as, “that just won’t work for us,” or it could be a bit more directive, like, “I know you’re trying to help, but it would be more helpful if you could just listen.” 

There also might be times where the best thing to do is just to walk away, or choose not to spend more time with certain individuals. This parenting gig is hard enough, we certainly don’t need to add anything else to the mix that drags us down. And social niceties are just not as important as your own mental health.

4. Affirm your own decisions. It’s nearly impossible for others to consider the nuances of your situation well enough to really get it. So looking for reassurance from others may leave you empty handed. 

If you’re married or co-parenting, that other person can often acknowledge the specific challenges you’re facing or identify the various factors that led you to a certain decision. That can be immensely helpful. However, it’s also true that parents experience their children differently. And the struggles you face may not be the same as your partner.  

So when you’re finding an absence of shared experience, it can help to use your own internal voice to affirm your methods and the decisions you’ve made. You might choose to review in your head why you’re doing things the way you’re doing them. Or reflect on your inner knowledge of your child. Some people find it even more helpful to say those things out loud, as there is a unique power in hearing the sound of our own voice. 

Being a parent of any child can be challenging. But parenting a child who doesn’t seem to fit the standard mold can be even harder. If this has been your experience, try these 4 steps. And then step back and try to see the bigger picture. All of these challenges, and all of these feelings you’re experiencing are just part of your journey of loving your child. And that investment of love will pay off in the best way. 

Quick Links

Why You Should Let Your Child Be Disappointed

So You’re A Sensitive Parent… Now What?

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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.