Why Perfectionism Feels Safe (But Isn’t)
For some of us, perfectionism might feel like an old, familiar companion. Maybe you double-check every email before sending it. Or replay conversations in your mind, wondering if you said the “right” thing. Perhaps you hold yourself to impossible standards at work or in relationships, convinced that anything less than perfect isn’t enough.
Perfectionism often feels like control—like a way to prevent failure, rejection, or disappointment. But in reality? It’s exhausting. It keeps you in a cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, and never feeling quite “good enough.” AND it robs you from ever having experiences of being fully accepted, flaws and all, by those around you.
How Perfectionism Shows Up (and How to Spot It in Your Own Life)
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things to be done well—it’s about tying your self-worth to impossible expectations, which leaves you chronically coming up short. Here are some common ways it might show up in your life, and tips on what you can do about it:
1. You Struggle to Start Things Unless You Can Do Them Perfectly
You have a creative idea, a dream project, or a goal you’re passionate about—but instead of starting, you stall. You tell yourself you need more time to plan or more knowledge before you begin. In reality, the fear of not doing it perfectly is holding you back.
How to overcome it: Start before you feel ready. Perfectionists often wait for the “right” moment, but action builds confidence. Remind yourself: Done is better than perfect, and work on building your tolerance for the anxiety that will naturally show up when you do this (little by little, this anxiety will decline).
2. You Procrastinate Because the Task Feels Overwhelming
Instead of tackling a task, you put it off—not because you’re lazy, but because you’re afraid of failing. The pressure to do it perfectly makes even simple tasks feel paralyzing.
How to overcome it: Break the task into tiny steps. Instead of saying, “I need to write a book,” start with, “I’ll write for five minutes today.” Small, consistent steps reduce overwhelm and help you build momentum.
3. You’re Harsh on Yourself Over Small Mistakes
You replay a conversation and cringe at how you should have said something differently. You finish a project but only see what you could have done better. Even when you receive praise, you dismiss it.
How to overcome it: Try to filter your self-talk by what would be acceptable to say to a friend. Would you sound the alarm bells and call a friend “stupid” for making a typo? Or tell them their hard work wasn’t enough? Would you respond to their newly completed project with criticism on what they should have done differently? Probably not. If you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself.
4. You Push Yourself to Exhaustion Trying to Do Everything Perfectly
You stay up late making sure every detail of a project is flawless. You take on more than you can handle because you believe if you don’t do it, no one else will do it right. You rarely take breaks, and even when you do, you feel guilty—like you should be doing something productive.
How to overcome it: Start treating rest as a requirement, not a reward. Instead of waiting until you’ve “earned” a break, schedule it into your day—just like you would an important meeting or deadline. Remind yourself: Resting doesn’t make me lazy. It makes me capable of showing up fully in my life.
How to Let Go of Perfectionism Without Losing Your High Standards
You might worry that letting go of perfectionism means lowering your standards or becoming careless. It doesn’t. The goal isn’t to stop caring—it’s to care without self-destruction. Here’s how:
1. Redefine Success
Instead of defining success as “perfect,” redefine it as “meaningful progress.” Ask yourself:
✔ Did I complete a task today, even if it wasn’t perfect?
✔ Did I make steps forward, even if I didn’t reach the finish line?
✔ Did I learn something from this experience?
If you can answer “yes” to any of these, recognize the success in that.
2. Create a Mantra to Stop Overthinking
Perfectionists tend to overanalyze everything. When you catch yourself spiraling, use a grounding mantra:
- Done is better than perfect.
- Small progress is still progress.
- I give myself permission to do things imperfectly.
- I am allowed to rest without earning it.
Even if you don’t believe it at first, repetition rewires your brain over time.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
Perfectionism thrives on the fear of being judged. But here’s the truth: People connect with realness, not perfection. Your messy, imperfect self is what makes you relatable.
Start embracing small moments of imperfection—send the email without reading it five times, post the picture without worrying if it’s the best angle, let yourself rest without earning it. The more you allow imperfection, the easier it gets.
Final Thoughts on Perfection: You Are Already Enough
You don’t need to prove your worth by doing everything perfectly. You are already enough—exactly as you are, in this moment.
If perfectionism is something you struggle with, I encourage you to start small. Choose one area of your life where you’ll allow yourself a little more grace. See what happens.
And if you want to learn more about how perfectionism is actually a learned stress response and more tips on how to overcome it, grab the free Survival Mode: Self-Evaluation and Guide to start shifting your mindset today: Survival Mode | Everything But Crazy
You deserve to enjoy this moment, not just strive for the next. Let’s take that first step together. 💛
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for highly sensitive people with emotional wounds. She provides individual therapy for adults in California, while her workbooks and online resources are accessible worldwide.