How many times in your parenting journey have you encountered a situation that made you wish magic wands were real and available for your immediate gratification? I can’t count the number of times I’ve had that wish.
We all talk about that parenting manual we wish we had. And although that adage refers to the desire to know the “right” path to take with our children, it also references our inability to flip to the end and see how our choices will ultimately impact our kids.
How anxiety-provoking is that?! We are constantly making all these decisions on how to raise our children, and we don’t get to see how it all turns out until much, much later. And often that later comes at a time when we no longer have the ability to course-correct.
Beginning in my daughter Boo’s second year of life, her anxious tendencies became increasingly more apparent. She was afraid of everything. And I spent many, many hours researching, pondering, and worrying. With my educational background and newly researched information in tow, I started to implement certain strategies (read all about them here and here) and crossed my fingers that they would help.
And when I didn’t see a complete transformation the very next day, I was annoyed. But I kept at it (sans my magic wand). And when I didn’t see a turnaround within a week, I was frustrated. And then when we were still at square one a month, and even a year later, I was at a loss. And then came the big question…
AM I APPROACHING THIS ALL WRONG????
Did I miss the mark? Did I need to scrap everything I’d been doing and start over? Was Boo’s lack of change a reflection of my poorly chosen interventions? Or was this actually helping her and I just couldn’t see it yet???
If there was a list of the most agonizing experiences associated with parenthood, I’m sure this debate would be on there. Because it’s one of those life tests wherein the answer is only revealed after the test is complete. The only way to determine if you made the right call is to allow your ability to change it to pass you by.
Aghhhh!!!
Can you relate? Maybe you also have a child with anxiety. Or maybe you’re dealing with aggression. Or picky eating. Or defiance. Or school difficulties. Or…??? It is NOT EASY!
For what it’s worth, I’m sitting here in this same boat with you and wishing I could change that reality. But since I can’t, I offer these tips instead…
1. Tolerate uncertainty
There’s going to be lots of times in this parenthood journey that we doubt ourselves and our decisions. Instead of wasting our time wishing it weren’t so (that’ll get us nowhere), accept this doubt as part of the process. (You can gain a deeper understanding of how to do this in How to Radically Accept Life’s Lemons… and Then Move On).
There might be some flutters in your stomach or some tension in your shoulders every time you think about your particular challenge. That’s fine. Notice it, acknowledge it’s there, but don’t over-react to it. Emotions and their physiological manifestations are wonderful tools in alerting us to what is happening around us and how we feel about it, but they don’t always have the best track record as far as decision making goes… especially when left to their own devices (hello impulsivity!). So notice the feelings, but then allow your brain to jump in and help with the decision making.
2. Pick a path
Sometimes a lack of certainty can leave us frozen; unable to choose a course. Although not choosing a path is likely to increase certainty in the results, that certainty is not the kind we want. It’s the surest way to fail our children. When we see a problem, our job is to intervene. It’s part of the beauty of why children are raised by parents… so we can help guide them.
That being said, sometimes the best solution may be to do nothing. This is different than not choosing a path! The choice to do nothing comes after evaluating all options and determining that no response is the best response. It follows from intention and good judgment instead of avoidance.
And when it’s clear that you have to do something, then weigh out your options, and pick a path. Sometimes that path will be the one that comes with the most recommendations. Sometimes it will be the one that appears to align most with your family values. And sometimes there will be absolutely nothing pushing you towards one path over another.
In those instances, you can play eeny-meeny-miny-mo, throw every possibility into a hat and pick one, or choose the thing that sounds prettier to say. Honestly, in those instances, there isn’t a right way to choose. Just make a choice.
3. Continue to evaluate your path
When the challenges you’re facing as a parent last a long time (as it did with Boo’s anxiety), you will likely come across different perspectives and new ideas along the way. Allow yourself to hear these ideas, and determine whether they’re compelling enough to alter your course.
Sometimes new research or a new perspective comes along that you hadn’t considered before and drives you to try a different approach. This is completely reasonable.
I do want to caution you, however, from continuously bailing on your plan for the sole reason that you’re not sure if it’s working. Just like I pointed out earlier, sometimes that is just the name of the game. It’s distressing, for sure, to not know if you’re doing the “right” thing. But if you keep changing your plan without allowing yourself and your child to see anything through, you will likely sabotage your efforts.
For many things, when it comes to dealing with humans, consistency is key. So while new ground-breaking research may steer you to a different path on occasion, many times it will be worthwhile to just stay the course. Some questions to consider are:
- How long have I been trying my current approach? Have I given it a chance?
- How is my child responding?
- Am I seeing any progress/positive changes?
- Can I identify any negative consequences?
- Is there an alternative approach that I’m drawn to?
- Is there a reason I’m doubting myself and my plan? (Based on someone’s else’s comments/feedback? Based on my tendency towards self-doubt? Based on my child’s reaction?)
Hopefully, these questions can help you determine whether there’s some inner wisdom that’s trying to find it’s way out or if you’re just freaking out because you haven’t seen any results yet. Because when your magic wand is broken, it’s all fair game.
So, what parenting experiences are you going through right now that leave you doubting yourself? What are the situations that trigger the “I don’t know what I’m doing” and “should I be handling this differently” chatter in your head? Leave us a message and let us know. We’d love to hear from you!
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.