My head is swimming. Like it has been all day… or maybe even all week. (All year??) I’m sitting here trying to reflect on the disaster that happened today. Trying to find some solace, trying to find some wisdom. So far, all I have is questions. Why isn’t this parenting thing easier? Why are my children needing so much from me? Why can’t I handle it? Is this feeling normal?
….
Fast forward four days later. I’m returning now to the task of trying to put the pieces back together. On Monday, I just couldn’t. (Or on Tuesday, or Wednesday either). This parenting thing is just SOOOO HARD. For so many reasons. But one of the unexpected reasons I’ve come to recognize is the task of having to help regulate our children’s feelings for them.
Emotional regulation is the skill of managing our feelings so that they don’t spin out of control. As adults, we are constantly striving to keep our feelings in check — our anger, our anxiety, our sadness, our guilt, and even our excitement. Because when these emotions get out of control, we tend to make pretty poor decisions and may even do things that cause problems (in our relationships, at work, when someone cuts in front of us at the check out line, etc).
But, as I said before, emotional regulation is a skill, and not everyone is good at. Because, like all skills, regulating our feelings needs to be learned, and the absolute most effective time to learn that is when we are kids. So guess who we are most likely to learn it from? You got it… our parents.
Parents are key in teaching emotional regulation partly because of the time we spend with our kids and partly because of the bond we have with them. Our kids learn from us coaching them through their feelings as well as by watching the way we deal with our own. So when we are unraveling and responding with our worst selves, those little eyes are watching. AGH! So what’s a tired, overwhelmed, stressed parent to do?!
Unfortunately, I don’t have any magic solutions. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the material for today’s post. But, there are a few things that I found helpful. So take some mental notes, or better yet bookmark this post, and hopefully these tips help you survive your next meltdown (and your kid’s next meltdown too!).
1. Remember that your child isn’t going to get it together until you get it together. Sometimes this fact is really annoying, but acknowledging it can also help you prioritize things that are important to your own emotional regulation. Things that otherwise may have been forced onto the backburner. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Instead, it’s vital to your child’s emotional health.
2. Do whatever you can to survive the eye of the storm (or all thousand storms, if your week is going like mine). This might seem like an obvious piece of advice, but it’s important to know what helps you calm down before you even get to the point of needing to use it. For me, I know that giving myself space and a little quiet is important in calming my stressed nerves.
Keep in mind that your ideal circumstances for creating peace may not be possible in the situation you’re in, such as when you have a screaming toddler following you on your footsteps as you move from one room to another trying to find your sanity.
So you’re going to have to improvise in trying to create that calming dynamic as best you can. Maybe it’s closing your eyes and tuning everything out for a few minutes. Maybe it’s giving into more screen time than you’re typically willing to do. Maybe it’s turning up the volume of your favorite rock song and dancing out your frustration.
Get creative. I know this step is not going to solve all your problems because, when you open your eyes, your children are still going to be there needing you. But it might help take off the edge just a smidge. And sometimes that smidge can make all the difference in the world.
3. Think helpful thoughts. Notice I didn’t say “think positive thoughts.” I’m not suggesting you rewrite reality in your mind. That’s not only counterproductive in dealing with life, but it’s also just plain ol’ impossible to do that convincingly.
However, our thoughts are powerful forces that can help us or harm us. When we are in the thick of a disaster, our thoughts are a significant determinant of how we are going to respond. If your child begins to lose it, and your first thought is “Oh my God, are you kidding me? I can’t handle this!” then you probably are going to have a hard time coping well at that moment.
If instead, you say to yourself “Ok, I’ve got this. I’m sure my child doesn’t want to feel this way either. I just need to help her and then we can both move on,” then chances are things are going to go more smoothly. It’s probably not going to be fun still, but it will be easier if you talk yourself into an empowered place and remind yourself that you can handle it.
Now, I know this is hard to do. And sometimes it’s too hard, especially after practicing your helpful thoughts for the 100th time that day. But if you make an effort to notice the ways your thoughts are getting in your way, and start trying to change that, you will see a difference. And more importantly, you will feel a difference.
4. Narrate your emotional state to your child and what you plan to do about it. I said earlier that children learn emotional regulation partly by watching us try to manage our own feelings. Verbalizing your feelings and how you’re trying to cope with them can make this process crystal clear to your little ones. And it has the added bonus of letting go of just a little more steam.
So, for me, I found myself saying things like “Mama is very frustrated right now and I’m going to close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm myself down.” (Full disclosure here… I think those words were more yelled than said, but still). I heard myself saying “I need some space” and “I’m not going to talk to anyone right now until I calm down.”
Is this the highlight of my parenting career? Absolutely not. However, this also wasn’t the worst. Narrating my experience required me to muster my energy and channel it into words that were appropriate for my daughter’s 3-year-old ears, but I did find that once I did that, the intensity of my emotion reduced just a notch.
5. Talk to someone who calms you. Emotions are like lava rising in a volcano and they need to be released before they explode (read more about that in Why Should You Vent?). Sometimes those feelings need to be released before they explode EVEN MORE, and sometimes they need to be expressed so we can start the repair process after the explosion happened (find more details on that process in So You Just Lost Your Cool With Your Kid… Now What?).
The best way to release feelings is to talk about them. But not just to anyone. We need to talk with someone who will validate our feelings. Have you ever had times when you tried to talk to someone about something that was bothering you, and their response just left you feeling worse?
If that’s happened once or twice it’s something we might look beyond, but if that happens chronically, then that is not the right person for this very important job of helping us calm down. If you have a person in your life that calms you already — then go! Get that person on the phone!
And if you don’t have someone like that, make it a priority to find someone. You can start by talking about smaller things that are bothering you and see how that person responds. If the response is helpful, go a little deeper. If the response is not helpful, move on.
6. Take time away. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Sometimes stepping away from your kids can give you just enough room to ground yourself, gain perspective, and remember all the lovable things about your kids that keep you working as hard as you do.
I know all too well that this step might be the hardest to achieve, especially if you have no family or friends that can help or the finances to afford child care. So acknowledge your limitations and try and take advantage of any opportunities that arise, because it will be immensely helpful in restoring your broken self.
7. Give yourself a break. This is another hard one, especially in the parenting realm. It is so hard for us to accept our parenting imperfections. But we all have them. So that means you’re going to have moments you’re not proud of. Allow these moments to humble you, but not define you.
I hope these suggestions guide you towards a path that helps you through your struggles, whatever they may be. Take heart weary Mama, you are not alone. Though your circumstances may be unique, the emotions you feel are real and shared among us. Take a deep breath, and keep going. You got this.
____
If you’re looking for more personalized support, I’d love to help. I offer individual therapy sessions to people within the state of California. You can reach me by email at drdanabasu@gmail.com or by phone at 949-415-8807. You can also visit my website drdanabasu.com to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.
