My husband and I got into it a few weeks ago… and it wasn’t pretty. Lots of yelling. Lots of anger. Lots of death glares. It was an explosion of emotion.
This kind of conflict doesn’t happen very often for us. No doubt we have more than our fair share of bickering, but that day was an outlier. It was one of those arguments that lingered and left both of us stewing in anger for most of our day.
Have you been there before?
I absolutely HATE those days! Being so far at odds with my partner is probably one of the most stressful experiences of my adulthood.
Side note: There is actually good biological reason for that, as spouses and partners take the place of parents in who we turn to for our physical and emotional needs. Being in conflict with the person we depend on naturally creates insecurity and fear, even though those feelings might be deeply hidden underneath all the anger.
So being in that place of discord SUCKS!
But I’m not going to lie. I spent a good portion of that day proving my case internally and ruminating on all the reasons my husband was totally wrong. (FYI, this didn’t help anyone, including myself).
Then my husband did something beautiful. Later that evening, he approached me and asked if we could talk. This hasn’t happened in quite a long time, and it’s been something I’ve been asking of him for quite a while: sharing in the responsibility of bringing us back together after conflict. It requires a lot of swallowing your own ego for the greater good of the relationship to do this, and it can become a point of contention if one partner feels they are the only one doing it. So for him to come to me first meant a lot to me.
Though I appreciated his gesture, the first part of that conversation did not go well. It was still very heated, and neither one of us was really hearing the other. There were noticeable moments when each of us considered storming away.
But we kept plugging along, aided by our efforts to step back and reflect on the larger dynamic of our relationship. Slowly, we stopped making accusations against “you,” and started observing the “we.” Each time one person softened their tone with “we,” it made it that much easier for the other to do so.
This subtle but monumental change allowed us to finally find places of agreement. It is SO much easier, and produces much fewer defenses, to tackle problems within the relational world of “we” as opposed to problems with “me.”
And this is when our conflict turned into opportunity. We started diving into deeper reflections on our marriage, how we were feeling within it, and ultimately what we wanted. We found ourselves unified towards the shared goal of making this union work for both of us. We identified each of our needs, and problem solved some of the obstacles to meeting those needs. We reassured each other of our love and our commitment to working this out.
Instead of blaming the other for what they were doing wrong, we started asking “How can I better help you?”
What an astronomical shift!
And the impact was immediate. We saw changes in the way we talked to each other, the amount of attention we gave each other, our teamwork, and the way we approached future disagreements. This one giant blow out conflict turned into the foundation for a stronger, more loving marriage.
If you’re thinking that such a positive outcome is a needle in a haystack, you’ve come to the right blog. Lets dive in to see how you too can turn the anguish of conflict into something that actually benefits your relationship.
How to Turn Conflict into an Opportunity
Calm down
No one accomplishes much in the peak of anger, so the first step towards finding the upside of conflict is to allow yourself and your partner time to calm down. That might mean getting out of the same physical location. It might mean doing some yoga or meditation. Or it could mean going for a run, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, creating some art, taking a warm bath, talking to a friend, journaling, listening to music, or whatever else that works for you! It doesn’t matter how you calm down, it just matters that you do.
Pinpoint your problem
Sometimes when we’re mad we start to look for other things that have pissed us off about our partner and pile that onto the current issue. As if that lends us more credibility or leverage. But piling on actually waters down the message at the root of our present anger. It makes our partner MUCH more likely to take on a defensive attitude instead of hearing our concerns.
Instead of looking for other examples to highlight all the reasons your partner is lucky that you put up with them, focus on what is making you upset right now. Try answering these questions:
Maintain context
Though I freely admit I sometimes succumb to the pull of repeating the incriminating thoughts against my husband over and over (and over) again, like I said before, it really doesn’t help me. And it definitely doesn’t help my marriage.
Though it may be (extremely) difficult in the heat of the moment, working through conflict is greatly aided by placing the current issue within the larger context of the relationship. When we remember the things that we love about our partner, and appreciate the things that he or she is doing well, it can help to soften our anger.
Softening our anger doesn’t mean we ignore the issue. On the contrary, it makes it more likely that an issue is addressed effectively because we participate in the conversation from a much more rational and diplomatic place.
Approach your partner
Once you’ve done your individual work, it’s time to approach your partner. Sometimes this can turn into a game of who’s going to cave in first. But when you think about HOW HARD it is to be the one to approach the other partner after conflict, it makes sense to revise the way we describe this behavior.
Just like challenges that are physically demanding, it makes sense to appropriately label emotionally and psychologically challenging behaviors as strong, brave, and powerful. When we give ourselves a pep-talk, using these descriptors as the backdrop, it can help motivate us to take that first step towards approaching our partner. You really are being brave and strong when you take that first step.
Once you ask to talk, make sure your partner is ready as well. No one will get anywhere if one of you is still at the height of negative emotion. If your partner is still there, allow yourself to recognize that it’s not the right time, and try again later.
Focus on the “We” and the “I’
When you’re ready to start the conversation, move away from any blaming language that starts with “you…” This just puts your partner on the defensive, instead of allowing the two of you to have a respectful and productive conversation.
Instead of blaming, focus you’re energy on something called I statements. The general formula of an I statement is as follows:
Instead of arguing about who did what, I statements turns the focus to how you feel and this becomes the problem worth addressing. It no longer matters who is right and who is wrong (let’s be honest, this black and white distinction is rarely evident anyway), but now it’s about each other’s feelings.
This revealing of the emotions underlying our actions is where partners find the opportunity to find deeper understandings of each other. We gain access to the intimate, vulnerable spaces within our partner, and in doing so we are inspired to lay down our own weapons and instead step up to nurture our partner’s needs.
Listen!
For this dialogue to truly be effective, each person needs to listen to the other. If your energy is completely focused on your feelings and your arguments and planning out what you’re going to say next, you’re going to have a difficult time finding the opportunity inherent in conflict. Understandably, you want to get your feelings across. But your partner wants to do the same.
And when you remember that you share the common goal of having a happy marriage, you’re going to want to know what’s getting in the way of that for your partner so you can actually do something about it. Serving your partner is how you serve yourself… because in the end that’s the way you both end up happy!
QUICK LINKS:
How Giving Can Shape Your Marriage
How to Work Through Different Perspectives In Your Marriage
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.