My sister has two small kids and a full time job. She doesn’t have family that lives close enough to easily drop off the kids for a night out. And the idea of having someone able to watch the kids so she could get away for a chunk of time sounded impossible. Unitil it happened. So after the cruise was booked, the flights reserved, and the bags packed, they headed down south to drop their kids off with grandparents.
Unfortunately, the night before they were due to continue on kid-free to their cruise, their littlest one came down with a fever of 101. sigh. And then came the big question—- do they still go? My sister was sick with worry about all the what-ifs while her hubs was feeling content knowing his son was in good hands, and the chances of something terrible happening were very low.
Meanwhile, when I saw my older sister’s name pop up on my caller ID I knew exactly what she wanted to talk about. And of course her first question was “what would you do?” I chuckled and reminded her who she was asking.
It’s no secret that I parent very differently from the rest of my family, a fact that has spurred many discussions during family gatherings. And this scenario was no different. Hands down i would have canceled the cruise. Partly because my worry about all the what-ifs would get the best of me, partly because my sweet, sensitive child would lose her mind if she didn’t have her mama when she was sick, and partly because I know I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself even if i did go on the cruise.
But my older sister had a very different perspective. Given the same scenario, she would have gone as planned. Partly because the chances of a small fever turning into something really terrible were incredibly low, partly because her kids are always thrilled to spend time with their grandparents and know they feel well cared for by them, and partly due to a belief that bad things can happen at any time so you better take advantage of opportunities when you can. And she was right. And I was right, too.
More often than not, when it comes to parenting, there are a whole lot of different versions of “right”. That’s because kids come with a spectrum of temperaments, capabilities, needs, and comforts. And parents come with their own set of unique personalities, styles, limitations and values.
The reality is that I’ve only ever been a parent to Boo and Squish. My parenting instincts have been shaped by my learning about their needs and witnessing the way each parenting decision has played out. My experience has been filled with babies and toddlers with food allergies that required me to know the ingredients of every single thing I put in theirs or my mouth, or feel the guilt when blood in their diapers suggested i hadn’t been careful enough. My experience has included a toddler who clings desperately to me when we leave the safety of our home, to the extent that she began vomiting the one time I tried to push her too hard and too fast. And it’s involved a child who has difficulty with change, but will eventually adapt given enough empathy, persistence, and patience for the months of emotional intensity that go along with change.
No one else besides my husband has been privy to those lasting impacts of each seemingly small decision (Will it hurt if I try just one bite of that cheesy pizza? What’s the harm if we leave her with grandparents even if she hasn’t seen them for awhile? How bad could it be if we move her into her own room?) We know the answers to those questions as they apply to our children and our family better than anyone else in this world.
And the same goes for you. You and your partner are the only ones who know what makes your child happy… or angry… or scared. You are the only ones who know how quickly your child adapts to change and what happens if you push too hard. You are the ones that have to face those pleading eyes when you try and leave against their wishes, and you’re the ones that have to face the displays of anger when you return. No one else knows those multitude of details that are unique to your child and your family.
So what would you do if you were faced with that decision of whether to go on that long-awaited cruise or stay on the mainland when your son spiked a fever? The only “right” answer is the one that honors all the variables of you, your parenting style, your perspective, and your knowledge of your child.
So let go of all the worries of what anyone else would do in your shoes, because the reality is that they haven’t walked a step in them.
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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.