Most of us, when we think back to our childhoods, have memories of just being a kid. And accordingly, our attention was focused on “important” things like should I wear my hypercolor shirt or my Bum Equipment shirt today? Should I play 4 square or kickball at recess? Who should I invite over for a sleepover this weekend?
These questions kept us plenty busy that there wasn’t much room left to consider whether we ate enough vegetables that day, when to schedule the next dental visit, or how well we were following the family budget. For those of us lucky enough to have this be true, perhaps the primary reason we were able to focus on all those age-appropriate priorities is because we knew someone else was taking care of the other stuff.
As we get older, our parents start handing us more and more responsibilities — partly to help us prepare for living on our own (and partly so they can stop doing all that crap for us!) And so eventually we become responsible for meeting our own needs.
Sometimes that’s where the story ends.
But sometimes… sometimes we can recreate a similar dynamic in our romantic relationships, albeit with an added twist.
Have you ever had an experience in which someone was really paying attention to you and anticipating your needs? Maybe it was a family member who saw you bust your butt taking care of sick kids all day and offered to cook a meal so you didn’t have to. Or maybe it was your partner encouraging you to meet up with a friend so you could have some adult time. Maybe it was even a boss who cautioned you from taking on another project given the demands already on your plate.
If something like this has happened to you, take a minute and try to remember how it felt. Did you feel cared for? Relieved? Energized? And how did that shape your perception of the experience or the amount of attention you gave to your needs?
For myself, when I’ve had the experience of someone tending to me and my needs, I’ve found that it frees me up from having to think about it as much. It also puts me in a “giving” mood. As in someone has just given me a gift of care, and I feel compelled to pay that forward.
When this sort of dynamic happens regularly within a marriage or romantic relationship, the experience can lead to a very tender, giving connection. It can help transpose a family of single individuals into something that is greater than the sum of all its parts.
And when children become accustomed to this generosity, it becomes the guideline for their future relationships. Not only are they more likely to spread kindness by attending to the needs of others, but they are equally likely to select people in their lives who prioritize their needs.
It all boils down to attitude. What is the family’s attitude on giving? Do we tend to others because we have to? Or because we want to? Do our sacrifices emit resentment? Or satisfaction?
The best way to ensure there are loving relationships in your child’s future is to generate loving relationships in your present.
QUICK LINKS
What in the Hell are You Doing?
From Partners to Parents to… Problems?
____
Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.