Feelings tend to get a bad rap. On any given day we might try to avoid them, push them away, hide them, spill them, stuff them, or deny them. We hold back tears, hide our pain, and bury our anger.
We seem to have gotten the idea that feelings are bad. But if we step back for a minute, we can start to see that our feelings are nothing more than messengers. They tell us when something is registering in our body- either positive or negative- so we can pay attention. And sometimes they help warn us that something is wrong so we can then do something about it.
Fear alerts us to potential danger. Anger warns us that we may need to advocate for ourselves. Loneliness helps us recognize our need for companionship and jealousy let’s us know what we want. The feelings here are not the problem…. it’s the underlying cause of those feelings that’s the problem. So if someone is trying to break into your home, you will most likely feel afraid, and that’s a good thing! You want that fear to be present so you can react and protect yourself. In this scenario we don’t want to take away the fear, we want to take away the intruder!
Now let’s say that you’re home with the kids and you’ve had a really rough day. You’re baby won’t go down for his nap, your toddler is on meltdown #10 for the day, the food you planned to use to make dinner spoiled, and you just spilled your coffee everywhere. Things are obviously not going well, and you are feeling it. Then when your husband calls and says he was thinking about meeting his friends out for happy hour, you become completely overwhelmed. That feeling is important. It is giving you information. It is warning you that you have depleted your internal resources for the day and are needing some help.
If you pay attention to that overwhelmed feeling and let your husband know how you need some help, you’re immediately going to experience some relief when he says he will come home instead. That is the value of feelings! They communicate to us what we need, so we can advocate for ourselves and get our needs met.
When we try to get rid of our feelings, one way or another, we lose valuable information that helps us take care of ourselves. So one of the kindest things you can do for yourself, right now, in this moment, is to ask yourself what you’re feeling. And pay attention to the answer. (And then go do the same for your kids!)
Need some help with what to do with your feelings now that your paying attention to them? Read Why Should You Vent for more tips on coping.
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If you’re looking for more personalized support, I’d love to help. I offer individual therapy sessions to people within the state of California. You can reach me by email at drdanabasu@gmail.com or by phone at 949-415-8807. You can also visit my website drdanabasu.com to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.