Intercultural Relationships: Navigating Different Perspectives

Navigating differences in relationships are challenging for all of us, but this is especially true in intercultural relationships. Why do we seem to have so many differences in our assumptions? And what can we do about it?

 

Identifying Differences in Intercultural Relationships

“What in the hell are you doing?” I hear a little voice in my head saying as I watch my husband Avi thump our sleepy nephew on the back over and over again. I decide to edit out the “hell” part, but move forward with the inquiry regarding his current behavior. “I’m putting him to sleep,” he responds matter of factly, as he then dives full force into this monotonous “oh ohh ohhhh” chant that sounds a bit like what I would expect to hear at a Monk’s retreat.

This was just the latest strange behavior I’ve witnessed in him. There’s been plenty of others, such as the way he never used to sleep with a sheet (until I came along and “taught” him how), or the way he refers to older women as “auntie” even when he’s never met them before, or the way he insists that guests staying at our place sleep in our bed, even when there’s a guest bed available.

All of these things were so far from the way I did things, they stopped me in my tracks— something that I think happens frequently amongst couples, especially amongst intercultural relationships. Because most of us have certain assumptions about how you’re “supposed” to do things. You might bump into them when you notice your husband cutting up your child’s sandwich all wrong, or see the weird way he cares for an “owie,” or how he folds the towels like a crazy person. Our emotions of surprise, disapproval, irritation, and curiosity can alert us to these assumptions and how much they differ from our partner.

 

Understanding Our Assumptions

It’s natural to have these unconscious understandings about how you’re supposed to do things… it helps us make sense of the world without having to use up all our energy on the basics. It allows us to do certain tasks on autopilot, so we can focus our attention on other stuff. But, have you ever stopped to wonder about where these understandings come from?

It turns out that we develop understandings about the way you’re “supposed” to do things very early in our childhood, and usually from the people we spend most of our time with— our parents.

But how?

It all stems from attachment. Attachment is the style of relationship that forms between a baby and his parents. It basically refers to how connected we feel to our parents and how dependable they are to meet our needs. It is through this relationship that we learn about ourselves, other people, and about the world.

 

How Our Early Experiences Shape Our Assumptions

Human babies are among the most vulnerable of all the animals. We are essentially born without yet being fully developed, and, as a result, are completely dependent on our parents for survival. So much so that some people even refer to the first three months after the baby is born as the fourth trimester.

Although this vulnerability makes for some challenges, the beauty of our underdeveloped state at birth is the opportunity for us to be shaped by the culture we are born into. Take Avi and me as an example. I was born in a very rural town in Wisconsin. Growing up, when someone asked me about my family, I knew they were referring to my parents and my two sisters.

But Avi was born on the other side of the world in India. So when someone asked him about his family, they were referring to his parents, his brother, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, his cousin’s kids, and more. Obviously, the conceptual meaning of the word family is entirely different for us.

So when someone asks how many people are in our families now as adults, our answers are completely different because our framework for understanding the question is completely different. I might look at him and ask “why did you include all those people?,” while he stares back at me and asks “well why didn’t you include everyone?”

Neither one of us is right, and neither one of us is wrong. But the way we came to understand our definitions of this word originated within our own families of origin. Our parents taught us what “family” means based on what they learned from their parents, and their parents learned from their parents. Though there are many ways to interpret the world, our parents teach us to interpret it just like them.

 

How Our Parents Continue To Influence Us Into Adulthood

And this is precisely how our parents continue to have influence over us well into adulthood. They present to us their way of viewing the world, and we internalize it and consider it fact. This way of understanding the world becomes so ingrained within us that we don’t ever remember learning it; it’s just something (we believe) we have always known.

 

Navigating Differences in Intercultural Relationships

Some of these frameworks start to get challenged when we grow up a little bit and spend more time with other people. Maybe we have a sleepover at a friend’s house and realize that bedtime at 8pm is not a universal law, and some people do it differently. Or maybe we are at school and notice that our friend has eaten her treat before her sandwich and veggies (gasp! You can do that?!). This is when kids start to come home and proclaim “so and so’s parents don’t make them (fill in the blank).”

So there are all these little beliefs that get challenged during childhood. Every now and then there might be some big things that come along. Like when a child first realizes that not all marriages last, and some end in divorce.

But for most of us, nothing challenges our way of understanding the world quite like marriage or committed partnership. This is when two people are forced to sift through their altering ways of understanding some really important concepts like:

• How should you show love?
• What does commitment mean?
• What are the priorities in a partnership?
• What are male/female role expectations?
• How is conflict managed?

In a simplistic world, we would pick partners that have similar answers to these questions. But most of us in long-term relationships have experienced differing answers to at least one of these questions– and in intercultural relationships, the differences are likely to be exponential. Because different parts of the world have grown accustomed to doing things in different ways, and there are lots of different versions of right.

 

Finding Flexibility within Your Relationship

Few of us sit down to have a conversation with our partner about the concepts listed above. So we don’t realize we have different perspectives until we are in the midst of the moment. It’s like walking down a lovely path lined with flowers, fully enjoying each other’s company, until BAM! You both just ran into a brick wall, and no one saw it coming.

The thing is, even though we are used to making various assumptions about the world, those assumptions are obviously not fact. They are simply the personal beliefs of the individuals who raised us. And so when we run into one of those brick walls with our partner, it’s ok to stop and revisit the belief. Some questions to consider are:

• What do I know about this particular belief?
• Is it important to me? If so, why?
• Is there a reason to continue doing it this way? (More so than “it’s how I’ve always done it”)
• What would it be like to do this differently?
• Would I lose anything by doing this differently?

It can feel extremely unsettling to let go of certain assumptions about the world. Even when those things are really not all that big of a deal. Like whether drinking water should be kept cold or room temperature. Or what drawer the socks go in. And other times it can be difficult to let go of beliefs because there is a strong emotional attachment to them, such as how you should care for someone who is sick.

But, at the end of the day, these beliefs are just beliefs. They are not factual. And your belief is no more valid than your partner’s. If you can accept that last statement as truth, it will greatly increase your flexibility and creativity in navigating these brick walls with your partner when you encounter them. And when both of you come together with that same flexibility, you can really enjoy the process of intentionally selecting the beliefs you want to pass on to your own children.

 

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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at EverGROW therapy and founder of Everything But Crazy, an online resource for parents. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with the highly sensitive person and people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.